Survival Cooking Trio
by nichelium
Summary: Riou feeds Dice, and he teaches cooking to Doppo. it's inevitable that they'll end up hanging around each other.
1. Chapter 1

Dice was waiting outside the door to a certain tucked-away encampment, having just barely skirted around the snares and traps along the way. Getting to Riou's place was fun, a bit thrilling trying to avoid the obstacles, but the stakes were too low for it to be _that_ entertaining. If he got caught, he'd be found by Riou in the morning and get breakfast. Not much of a rush.

The door cracked open. "Yo! Riou-san!" he called out.

"Ah. Arisugawa-kun. Come in. We were just about to have dinner." He held the door open, showing Dice into his fortified home.

"Sweet! I've been- wait, we? Who else is here?" He was briefly scared that he'd unknowingly intruded on a Mad Trigger Crew meeting. The actual situation, he realized as he stepped into the main room, was far less exciting. "Oh. What're you doing here, office drone? Shouldn't you be out at a diner with your boyfriend?"

Doppo Kannonzaka was seated meekly at the low table. "B-Busujima-san was teaching me some cooking, and he invited me to stay. Did you two have plans? I'm sorry for interrupting, I-I can leave-"

Riou cut him off. "No plans. You can still stay. I've prepared more than enough for three." He disappeared into the kitchen, leaving the two rivals alone.

Dice sighed melodramatically. "I guess even a corporate slave has to get his kicks somehow." He dropped down across from Doppo, legs inelegantly crossed, head resting on a hand propped up on the table. "Eating wacko survival cooking must be the only thrill in your life outside of division battles."

"Huh? Is Busujima-san's cooking that weird? Sure, the ingredient choice is _different_, but..."

The fact that someone who _could_ go eat somewhere else still _chose_ to take advantage of Riou's hospitality really ticked Dice off. Everything about Doppo ticked him off. He thought about just up and leaving, but… food.

Riou reentered the room holding various dishes. At the sight of him - and more importantly, the meal he was holding - Dice perked up. "Woohoo! Thanks so much, Riou-san!"

"Thanks for your hospitality," Doppo said in turn.

"You're welcome." He set the dishes across the table. "I caught a whole flock of sparrows this morning, so the main dish is a ground sparrow and vegetable soup. I collected various mushrooms and herbs for the sides. I hope you enjoy them."

Dice was ignoring the explanation and scarfing down his food. Better to not think about the source.

Doppo apparently didn't feel the same way. "Sparrows? I've heard they're a delicacy in France…" He took a heaping spoonful. "Oh! The meat is... crunchy?"

"Keeping the bones in allows for a stronger broth," Riou explained.

Doppo nodded. "I see. It can't be easy to debone them, anyways." He kept eating.

Dice had never seen anyone except himself continue to eat Riou's food once they knew what was in it.

They appreciated the food in silence for a bit, until Doppo had the gall to try to make small talk. "So, Arisugawa-kun, if you're here, has your luck run out, lately…?"

"Of course not! My luck'll never run out. Losing just means you're getting closer to hitting the jackpot, don't you know? My net worth is still, hm," he fished around in the pocket of his jacket, "205 yen. Oh, I could buy a scratch-off."

"I see. Best of luck to you, then."

"I don't need your shitty luck."

"S-… sorry." Doppo looked back down into his food.

Dice thought about telling him off for apologizing, but that would be rude to the food. And to Riou. Who, even if he hadn't said anything, didn't look too happy about his guests getting along so poorly. _Fine_, Dice would play nice. "What were you teaching him earlier, Riou-san?"

"We were making shredded rhinoceros beetle meat over rice," Riou answered.

Any surprise at Riou's culinary choices having been long since abandoned, he asked, "How's that taste?"

"It's alright," Doppo answered. "I'm not very good at making it. I'll probably have to use crab at home, though, so maybe that's easier…"

"You lose the sweetness with crab," Riou reminded him.

"That's true… It would be a different dish. I'm not sure I could do it justice. I can't really cook in the first place, and end up troubling Hifumi, so he makes all the meals. I guess I shouldn't really try to stretch myself too thinly, but I don't want to be a burden. In the end that's just how it goes with me. I can't really do anything properly, I have to depend on others, and I don't, I, I, I- ...Arisugawa-kun, did you just take that out of my bowl?"

"Ah? Damn. Thought you weren't paying attention." Dice shoved the morsel of food in his mouth before anyone could ask him to give it back. He didn't mention the other bites he'd taken before the one Doppo finally noticed, and quickly changed subjects. "Your boyfriend makes food for you? How cute," he snarked.

Doppo blushed. Dice'd already done the "boyfriend" tease once and it didn't get a response, but this time he noticed. "Hifumi's not… We're not-" He made a frustrated noise and receded in on himself. "Doesn't matter, anyways."

Eugh, maybe Dice shouldn't have teased him. He dropped it.

"Indeed," Riou said, "since marriage between men was eliminated when the Kotonoha Party took power."

"Eh?" Dice looked at Riou, lost.

Doppo hummed in agreement, and Dice looked at him, too, seeking explanation. Doppo continued, "since marriage provides tax benefits, which men… aren't privy to."

Oh. Well, Dice had never had a reason to think that hard about taxes.

Riou took the empty bowls and left to the kitchen. "I'll bring out dessert."

"Thank you," said the other two in unison.

"Sooo," Dice started, thinking about pointless questions to ask to keep the conversation going, "if you _could _get married… would you?"

"Yes," Doppo said without hesitation.

What kind of weird relationship did those two have? Dice snorted. "He's not your boyfriend, but you'd marry him?"

"We'd pay less taxes with a shared bank account."

Dice stared in disbelief. How could this goddamn salaryman take something as thrilling as a forbidden romance and make it so _horrendously banal_? So devoid of _any passion whatsoever_? Marrying his fucking _housemate_ for fucking _tax benefits_. "Man, fuck you."

Doppo sputtered, but couldn't get any words out.

"Dessert," Riou called, finally emerging. "Knotweed flour cake."

The two just barely managed to once again put aside their differences long enough to eat the cake.


	2. Chapter 2

Riou heard a knock at the door to his makeshift (but no less secure for it) home. Nobody who didn't know him ever managed to make it this far - his fortifications got them first - so it had to be an acquaintance. He didn't have many of those.

There wasn't pounding on the tin plating by the door and yelling for him to get out there, so it couldn't be Samatoki.

Running through the possibilities in his head (an enemy after his prototype microphone? Unlikely they'd be so kind as to wait for him to answer) and deciding the danger was minimal, he cracked the door. Not too much - he still needed to assess the intruder. Minimal danger didn't mean _no_ danger.

"Hey, Riou-san! Mind if I come in?" Dice's chipper voice rang out.

He nodded and held open the door. "I don't have any meal prepared, currently." Riou didn't have any illusions about Dice's presence here - he knew he just wanted free food. That was fine. Riou was happy to share.

"'S alright. Can I just hang out, though?" he asked, though he was already settling himself down on the mats and tarps that made up the floor.

"That's fine." Riou returned to what he was doing prior to the interruption.

Dice sat in faux-sleep (Riou _could _tell) for a short while, before giving that up and coming to watch him work.

Riou pulled an empty jar out of the large pot of water boiling over the low stove. He carefully ladled a black-and-white jam into the jar, taking care to remove any trapped air before he wiped the rim and twisted a lid on. He set it aside and moved on to the next.

Dice had come closer, sidling up next to him. "Whatcha doing?"

"Canning," Riou answered succinctly. "Hardy kiwi jam."

"Oh? That's pretty normal."

"With beetle larvae, for protein."

Dice laughed. "That's more like it."

Riou pulled out a spoon and scooped some up. The jam was still warm, but not too hot to eat. "Try some." He held it up to Dice.

Rather than take it from his hand, Dice ate it without hesitation while Riou still held the spoon. He hummed in consideration. "I feel like it needs sugar," he said, licking his lips.

"I've been having difficulty finding something that grows readily here to refine into sugar," Riou explained as he put the spoon with the other dirty utensils to be taken to wash later. "Honey doesn't work in jams." He finished filling all his prepared jars and put them back in the pot to heat-treat.

"There's still some left over," Dice noted.

"Yes. Kannonzaka-kun is coming over." Dice groaned, and Riou ignored it, continuing, "I'm going to teach him my recipe for jam tarts. Though they may seem frivolous, with the proper ingredients they can be as hearty a food as any."

"Why's he here all the time?"

"You're also here all the time."

Dice huffed and went back to lying on the floor, facing the wall.

* * *

Riou answered the door almost before Doppo had even knocked. Was he… just waiting there? "H-hello, Busujima-san," he said. Riou guided him into the, well, the shack. He was looking down at the canvas bag in Doppo's hand, and even though he didn't say anything, Doppo felt the need to explain: "it's a, a gift." He held it in front of him with both hands, bowing his head. "Thank you for accommodating me. P-please accept it."

Riou took it, nodding. He opened the bag and inspected its contents. A small steel french press, and a tin of coffee.

"I-I know you don't tend to have coffee, but you can also use it for tea, o-or infusions. I hope that's not too presumptuous of me. If you don't like it, I can-"

Riou interrupted him with a clap on the shoulder. "Thank you. It's a thoughtful gift." Riou briefly smiled, something of a rare occurrence, and took the items behind the curtain that separated the "kitchen" of the small shelter from the rest of it. Before Doppo could follow him, he noticed someone else in the room.

"Hello, shitty salaryman! Please make me something good!" Dice said as soon as Doppo looked at him. He was all smiles despite the insult.

Doppo ignored it and greeted him back. Well, he didn't ignore it. But, you know, he _was_ a salaryman, and he _was_ kind of shitty, probably even moreso from the perspective of someone whose life was much more exciting than his, so, fair cop, maybe. He didn't respond to the insult, in any case. "I hope I can make something that lives up to your expectations."

"Kannonzaka-kun," Riou called, poking his head back through the curtain. It would've been almost cute if Riou wasn't 6'3" and naturally terrifying.

"Coming, coming. We're making tarts, right?" He spared one last glance back at the smiling, lounging Dice as he went through the curtain. "I hope I'm able to figure them out. It'd be nice to make desserts for Hifumi from time to time…"

The kitchen, though it was called that, didn't really resemble any normal kitchen. A low firepit with a wire grate over it served as the stove. Recycled plastic and metal apparatuses drew water from outside (where? The stream? Rainwater? Doppo hadn't thought to ask) into a basin, basically a sink, and out back through the wall (was it structurally sound to dump wastewater right by one's house? Well, Riou seemed to know what he was doing, it was probably fine).

A metal sheet held up on wooden planks served as the prep surface. Really, it was fine as long as you avoided the sharp corners, and didn't mind squatting. Ingredients were already set out in measured proportions. Riou was so considerate.

"The process is simple. You should be able to apply the steps to making other dishes, too," Riou started. He pulled a mixing bowl out of his chest of supplies and waited for Doppo to get ready.

Once his jacket was off, his sleeves were rolled, and his hands were rinsed, Doppo joined Riou at the low counter.

Riou started right away, going over the ingredients for the pastry dough. Barnyard grass flour, stone-ground salt, acorn oil shortening, water. Not too complicated. The ingredients were very _Riou. _Doppo would have to make some substitutions if he tried it at home. It was inspiring that Riou managed to make all this himself out here. Who'd've thought you could make a pie out of things found in the woods? Doppo could never be that inventive.

Doppo had some trouble getting the dough to the right consistency. Even with Riou measuring out the other ingredients for him, he couldn't seem to get the amount of water right. First too little, then too much, ruining the batch. Before he could apologize (profusely) for wasting ingredients, Riou brought out more, waving away the mistake.

"Don't worry. Go ahead and try again. This is still usable, just not for tarts." He looked at it for a moment, apparently deep in thought. "Ah. We can have meat rolls for dinner. I trapped some marten and squirrels this morning."

Well, if it was getting used, then maybe it wasn't _too_ horrible a mistake. The next batch, he managed to get right, kneading it to the perfect consistency. While he rolled it out, he noticed Dice watching them through the curtain.

"How long is it going to take? I'm starving," he complained.

Riou, who was carefully brushing oil across thin sheets of the over-watered batch of dough, answered him. "The dough needs to chill, and then the tarts will need to bake. It's going to be at least a few hours until they're ready."

Dice whined. He must've been as bored as he was hungry, because he then came into the kitchen and sat next to the laboring Riou. "Give me something to do," he said.

"Can you skin a squirrel?" Riou asked.

He nearly gagged. "No way in hell am I doing that."

Hadn't he just asked for something to do? Did Dice really have any right to be so picky? Not that Doppo wanted to skin a squirrel, either.

"Then you can ash-treat the butterbur."

"That sounds boring as hell, but it's better than dealing with squirrel guts. Point me to it."

Riou set down the not-quite-phyllo-dough and went to the sink to show Dice how to properly remove the alkaloids from the wide, flat leaves and thin red stems. The young shoots, he explained, could be eaten raw. Where did Riou even learn all this? He was a font of botanical knowledge.

Doppo finished rolling out his dough. Riou took it from him on a wooden slab and stepped outside to place that and his own dough in the, uh, well, it was just a metal box outside, but on cooler days it could serve as a sort of fridge.

Taking a short break, he turned to see how Dice was doing. He was, surprisingly, diligently going about his assigned task, but, hm. "Arisugawa-kun, you've got something, uh," he motioned towards his own mouth, "there."

"Huh?" Dice rubbed at his mouth, confused.

Doppo reached for something reflective enough to let Dice see himself and landed on a clean metal bowl. He held it up for him to examine his reflection.

"What the hell…?" Dice said softly, poking at the black splotches around his mouth.

Riou reentered at that moment, and the other two looked at him. When he saw, Dice, he smiled and- was that a laugh? No, no, it must've been Doppo's imagination, because Riou still sounded as stern as ever. "You can eat the shoots raw, but they stain your mouth black."

Dice flushed. "No way…" He got over any embarrassment quickly, though. "Guess I can't hide how hungry I am, hah!" He returned to the washing, though now he wasn't even bothering to hide the fact that he was eating what he was supposed to be working on.

Riou pulled out a variety of other mountain vegetables, and they all worked together at preparing them while they waited for the dough to chill. Once it had, they finished the tarts, spooning helpings of Riou's hardy kiwi jam into pockets of pastry.

"That one looks full. I want that one when they're done," Dice said, pointing to a pastry on the end that probably shouldn't have gotten as much jam as it did.

Once they were all put together, Doppo realized something. "Busujima-san… How are we going to bake these?"

Riou was- what was he doing? Soaking some sort of carved wooden plate in water in the sink. He turned the spigot off and tapped it free of droplets. "Follow me," he said. "Bring the tarts." He left the building. Doppo and Dice followed.

Around the back, there was a structure that must've been new. It was a little different, but the shape of the clay, the flames inside, it was easy to tell what it was. "You _built_ an _oven_?"

"You said you wanted to learn to make pastries," he said, like that explained or necessitated the amount of effort required to build an entire oven by hand_._

"You made this just to teach me to make _tarts_? That's not- I don't- I'm really not worth that level of effort. You didn't have to do this. They- they probably won't even be very good, I'm really not that good at cooking, what if you never use it again? Then you'll have gone to all this work for nothing and I'll have just been such a burden on you, it won't-"

Riou cut him off with a clap on his back. "I'm also going to make hardtack," he said, looking into his eyes as if he'd just said something profound and moving.

Doppo didn't know how to respond, so he just shut up. Riou turned around and went back inside.

Dice silently handed Doppo a stalk of butterbur before he followed suit.

It took him a minute of processing until he rushed back in after them.

The three of them worked together to put together the rest of the ingredients for dinner, though the final preparations (as well as all of the… skinning) were left to Riou. The tarts came successfully out of the oven with only a twinge of char, and were placed out of the way to cool down to eat for dessert (much to Dice's chagrin). Eventually, only finishing touches were left to do, so Doppo and Dice were ejected from the kitchen to reassemble the table in the main room. Somehow, they managed to work together on it even without Riou in the room to mediate.

So now they all sat together, eating rolls stuffed with ground squirrel and marten with a side of stir-fried mountain vegetables.

"It's a simple game! I can't believe you've never played before," Dice said, his mouth full.

"In the Navy, we preferred card games to dice."

Somehow, they'd gotten to talking about Chou-Han, a dice game, as they finished up the meal. It was out of Doppo's wheelhouse, but firmly within Dice's.

Dice was already pulling out his, uh, dice. "Let's play now. We can bet on, um, oh! We can bet with the tarts. We'll split 'em evenly to start."

"Okay," Riou ceded. "How does it go?"

"It's real easy! The dealer just shakes the dice in the cup, and we call whether the sum is even or odd." He got up to retrieve a proper cup, and the tray of a dozen tarts. "Doppo, you deal."

Doppo had seen it played in movies, so he more or less understood what he had to do. Like Dice had said, it was a simple game. He still wasn't really sure, though. Could he really do it right? What if he made some stupid blunder that just made Dice hate him more? Was he-

"If you're worried about not getting any tarts, don't be. The house gets a cut of each bet, yeah? And I won't even make you take off your shirt."

He gave him a baffled look.

Dice just laughed. "That's how they do it yakuza-style. Stops the dealer from cheating, you know, with loaded dice up his sleeves or anything. I really don't want to see your scrawny ass shirtless, though, so let's not do that." Even though Doppo hadn't agreed, Dice was already splitting up the tarts between himself and Riou.

Anxieties absolutely not assuaged but with no apparent way to get out of it, Doppo took the dice and put them in the cup, shaking them before slapping the cup down on the table, dice hidden underneath.

"You can call first, Riou-san," Dice said.

"Okay. I bet two tarts on even."

"Then I'm odd! Show us the dice, dealer!"

He removed the cup. A two and a four.

"Damn!" He handed one tart to Riou, and then one to Doppo.

Doppo dealt again. Dice called odd again, betting three tarts, and lost again. And then again. And was then out of tarts to bet.

"No waaay…" Dice complained.

Riou collected their dishes and took them away.

"You can have this one, Arisugawa-kun," Doppo said, handing him the overstuffed pastry that he'd pointed out when they were making them.

Dice grumbled, but thanked him.

Riou came back and sat down in front of his collection of far too many tarts. "Let's play one more round. You can bet something other than tarts."

"Yes! Thanks!" Dice clasped his hands together. "Let's see, um, if you win, I'll do one thing you say. Anything!"

Riou nodded, and Doppo dealt one more time.

"Six tarts on odd," Riou called.

A pair of threes.

Dice pumped his fist in the air. "Woo!"

Now the tarts were spread much more evenly between them, and they felt ready for dessert.

"Ah," Riou suddenly announced. "One moment." Going to the kitchen one last time, he came back with three cups in one hand and the new French press in the other, trail of steam wafting out of it. He poured them each a cup. It didn't quite smell like coffee.

Doppo took a sip. "It tastes like… the pastry?" He guessed.

"Yes. Roasted barnyard grass seeds can be used just like coffee, but without caffeine," Riou explained.

"I see! That's good to know."

Dice was ignoring the drink for the moment to focus on the overfilled tart. He took one bite, and the jam spurted out around it, black goo dripping down from his face onto his white shirt with an extremely unpleasant sound. "Shit."

Doppo rushed in to get a damp cloth to help him clean. "Sorry, sorry! I shouldn't have overfilled the pastry, I'm sorry."

"Why the hell are you apologizing for _me _spilling beetle jam all over _myself_? Stop doting. I'm not your damn kid." He pushed him away, taking the cloth. Oh, that's right, Dice hated when he apologized so much. Doppo just couldn't break the habit. "Ugh, this is my only shirt right now. Gonna have to go to Gentaro's to wash it properly…" he grumbled to himself. "Eh. This is good enough for now."

"You only have one shirt…?" Doppo asked, saying it as much to himself as to anyone else.

"Why would I need more?"

Doppo hesitated. Why would - was he really asking that? "Well, when it gets dirty…"

"I wash it, duh. I'm not _that_ gross."

"What do you wear when you're washing your clothes, though?" Doppo asked. Maybe Dice had, like, pajamas, somewhere?

"Nothing?" Dice answered, looking at him as if it were extraordinarily obvious and he was the stupidest person in the world. Maybe he was.

"Well, that's a solution," Doppo admitted.

"Yeah, it is!"

Doppo couldn't tell if Dice knew how ridiculous he was being. Maybe it was some long joke at his expense. Dice was just seeing how far he could go before Doppo finally admitted that it was too unbelievable for a person to think like that. But what if Dice _was_ just like that? Then Doppo was just being horrendously rude to his lifestyle, even if it was an absurd one. Either way meant his reactions to the other would be wrong, and Dice would have every reason to hate him more.

His spiraling thoughts were interrupted by Riou talking to Dice. "Arisugawa-kun, if you're interested in making your own clothes, I can teach you."

Dice waved a flippant hand in the air. "Eh, I got Ramuda to help on that front. Thanks, though." He finally got back to his pastries.

They finished their dessert talking about nothing of any particular importance, Dice occasionally taking jabs at Doppo, and Doppo brushing them off. And even though they'd started dessert with an almost even number of tarts, they all ended up giving most of their share to Dice in the end.

Riou sent them each home with a jar of jam.


	3. Chapter 3

_Content Warning: Vague descriptions of the process of field-dressing an already-dead animal (a deer, which dies off-screen). They're mostly (but not completely) contained in the portion __**between the two fully bolded sentences**__, so if you want to know when to metaphorically close your eyes, that's there for you._

"Come on, Saburo-kun! This way, this way- Oh, not that way!" Dice reached out and yanked Saburo away from the forest trail. When he looked down where he'd been about to step, he saw a snare. "You gotta pay more attention."

"Where the heck are you taking me?" Saburo carefully stepped around the trap.

Dice pulled him along. "It's fine, it's fine! I gotta repay you for the other day somehow, so I'm showing you something good!"

The other day being when Saburo _may_ have snuck into the pachinko parlor, where he _may_ have, a-hem, _fine-tuned_ a machine to give Dice back some of what he'd spent. It wasn't _stealing,_ you know, he'd just adjusted some probabilities to not-quite-force a jackpot. That could've happened without his influence. That parlor was totally a yakuza joint, anyways.

"Even if he said I could go with you, I just really don't think Ichi-nii would want meEEE-" _yoink, swish_! and Saburo was hoisted high off the ground, feet-first, caught in a _different_ snare.

"Aw, shit. I told you to look where you were going. I'll figure out a way to get you down." Dice circled the tree the trap was tied to, trying to figure out how the contraption worked.

"Be careful! I don't want to fall!" He tried to figure out a way to release himself, but he didn't have the core strength to lean up to get at his foot, and now all the blood was rushing to his head…

A booming voice called out just then. "Arisugawa-kun, great timing!" Oh, no, it was that Mad Trigger Crew soldier. He was running towards them, smiling a scary amount, and carrying an _entire dead deer_ hoisted over his shoulders, its head bobbing grossly with each step. "Look at this! Trapped it today!"

Dice started to talk, processed the _fucking deer corpse_ and was briefly baffled into silence, and then managed to say, "that's really great, can't wait to eat it, but could you help us out first? That wasn't your only lucky trap today." He pointed up at where Saburo was hanging.

"Oh. Little Buster Bro. Yes, let me get that." He offloaded the animal onto Dice (who nearly buckled under the weight) and moved to where the other end of the trap was tied. He lowered it slowly, Saburo managing to adjust his own position so that he didn't land headfirst as he went down. Riou took back the deer and headed off. "I need to finish dressing this as soon as possible. Come on."

Saburo took a minute to reorient himself, and when he came back to it, Dice was following Riou along, motioning for him to follow, too. "Come on, this is gonna be awesome!"

"W-we're going with _him!?_" Saburo was about to run after them, but remembered his previous error and slowed to check the ground for any more traps.

"Yeah! This was the good thing I wanted to show you. Riou-san always makes, aha, awesome food. Hey, what're you gonna do with the deer?"

Riou took a moment to think before answering, "since there'll be four of us, maybe a hot pot. I've collected some excellent spices lately."

Dice suddenly looked dismayed. "Four? Don't tell me that damn office worker's here, too…?"

"You got along with Kannonzaka-kun last time."

"Getting along for the sake of eating more food doesn't mean I like the guy!" Dice groaned, then looked back at Saburo. "I think you're bad luck. You got caught in a trap, and now we've gotta hang out with corporate slave numero uno."

Dumbfounded, Saburo asked, "then why don't we just _not go_?"

"I want hot pot," Dice said.

Saburo didn't exactly want to go with these two weirdo adults, but he wanted to find his way back through the forest on his own even less, so he stuck close to the two of them as they made their way through the forest. How in the world did they know where they were going? It all looked the same to him.

**They ended up at a clearing with… some sort of structure made of scrap metal plates, wooden planks, sections of pipe, and a **_**lot **_**of tarps.** Riou was pulling one of said tarps across the ground and setting the deer down. "Do you _live_ here?" Saburo asked, not caring how rude that was. He knew Dice didn't _have _a home, but Riou living in this shitty shack was almost worse.

"No," Riou answered as he examined the wide cuts already made on the animal's underside. "It's useful for cooking more involved dishes. I camp elsewhere most nights." He got his hands in there - his _bare hands_ \- and wrenched open the gut. Oh god. "Lad, you should come watch. This is important knowledge to have."

At one look at the _inside of the animal corpse,_ Saburo wretched. "No! Ew! I really hope I _never_ need that knowledge!" Where was Dice? Had he gone inside? Maybe he should join him just to get away from this crazy survivalist. Wait, who knew what kind of weird stuff this guy had in there? And did Saburo want to risk being _trapped_ inside?

Riou huffed with annoyance. "You might not always have a supermarket available. You can't let momentary fear stop you from learning how to survive in extreme circumstances."

"I'm not _scared!_ I'm- If I ever end up in _extreme circumstances_ I'll just get my brothers to do the gross stuff."

"If you're going to take up a commanding role, you need to know what to tell your troops to do."

Saburo whined, half frustrated, half grossed out. He wasn't getting out of this, was he? He put his hood up and sat against the wall, pointedly not looking in Riou's direction. "I'll listen but I'm not gonna look."

Riou sighed (a strange sound from him, short and sharp), but acceded. "So, I've already removed the internal organs. Waste in the gut can dirty the meat, so it needs to be removed as soon as possible. In this case, the liver is..."

This was awful.

Riou could only say a little more before Dice, thank _god_, interrupted, his top half appearing through the doorway. "Saburo-kun, man, what're you-"

Saburo cut him off, "Arisugawa-san, save me! He's making me _learn!_"

Riou looked like he _almost _facepalmed, but stopped because he realized his hands had deer goop on them. "This is important knowledge that he should acquire while he's young."

**Dice just laughed, brushing Riou off.** "Man, no it ain't. Come on, Saburo-kun, salaryman made some tempura and it's actually not awful. Don't ask what's in it, though." He grabbed is hand and pulled him inside.

"Do you not know Kannonzaka-san's name, or…?" Saburo asked, nodding his head in greeting at the man in question when he saw him. The old guy was seated politely at a table that looked like it'd been cobbled together out of scrap wood.

"Office drone gets to be called his name when he stops acting like every other office drone on the planet," Dice said, Doppo clearly hearing him if the mumbled apology was anything to go by.

The inside of the shack was warmer, just barely, with tarps over the ground serving as flooring. In lieu of any actual seats or cushions, there were misshapen mats of fur on the ground. How did Dice and Doppo look so calm in this freaking _serial killer hideout?_ The table had a plate of fried, uh, _something _on it, so Saburo distracted himself by eating.

True to Dice's word, the tempura wasn't awful. It was pretty good, even. Doppo still apologized for it not being good enough.

They ate the rest of it while Dice pestered Saburo with questions about how to best win at digital slot machines. When the programming knowledge flew right over his head, Dice scoffed. "I don't need all that anyways, I got lady luck on my side."

"You're very smart, Yamada-kun," Doppo said, stating the obvious. "Do you think you'll go into, ah, computer science?"

Ugh. Stupid, boring, old man questions. What did it matter what his job prospects were? "Dunno," he answered honestly.

"W-well, you've got lots of time to think about it. You're probably smart enough to do any job you wanted, so you can just focus on being a middle schooler for now… Friends, clubs..."

Friends he didn't have and clubs he didn't do. He let out a disinterested hum in response.

Doppo apologized, and apparently he got the message, because he changed the subject. "Did Busujima-san manage to catch anything?"

"A whole ass deer!" Dice responded. "It's huge! Got giant antlers and everything! He's outside pulling all the guts out. It's so gross." He _said_ it was gross, but he still just laughed.

"Really? I'm going to take a look." Doppo stepped outside and then turned on a heel and came right back in, all the color gone from his face. "He was, ah, c-cutting the head off."

Dice keeled over laughing. "I said it was gross and you still went and looked, you masochist!"

Did Dice _really _hate Doppo? They seemed to get along okay. Well, Dice had brain of a fruit fly, so maybe he just forgot that he hated him.

After calming down a bit (though he didn't ever actually look _calm_ calm, did he?), Doppo asked, "what is he planning to do with it?"

"Hot pot!" Dice said, the prospect of food distracting him from his mirth at the other's expense.

"I see…" Doppo glanced around the room. "W-well, um, not to be presumptuous, but should we maybe start to help set up the room for that? To make things easier on Busujima-san?"

"If you want my help just fuckin' ask, dude." Huh, maybe Dice _did_ really hate Doppo, because now he seemed annoyed. Why the deference had set him off so easily, Saburo didn't know, but his mood was far from the cheer he'd shown earlier. "Scoot, Saburo-kun," he said, gently pushing against his side with his foot. Saburo got up, and the two adults worked swiftly to pull the table off its legs and set the components against the wall. Doppo then folded away the tarp that made up the center of the floor, pushing loose dirt aside to reveal a few hot coals.

Doppo started to explain, not that Saburo cared. "It keeps the room warm. Busujima-san's practical knowledge really is quite extensive. But we'll be, um, I think we'll be starting the fire up properly for the hot pot, probably. Do you… want to start the fire, Yamada-kun?"

"No," Saburo answered.

"Okay. Sorry. I thought y-you might like to help. I guess you're not, ah- sorry. Of course you wouldn't be interested."

Oh, Saburo kind of understood why Dice got so annoyed now.

Doppo stoked the fire himself, just adding a little bit of wood. It was pretty warm for its size, and didn't have much smoke - how'd he do that? Riou must've taught him some trick. Doppo put a wire grate over the fire.

At that moment, Riou poked through the doorway to see how the others were doing. Seeing the room set up, he smiled. "Thank you, I was just going to start preparing ingredients. Lad, since you didn't learn about butchering the meat, you should help prepare the vegetables. That's just as important to know."

"Oh, is Saburo-kun gonna help out?" Dice asked.

"No, I'm not." Saburo scoffed. "You dragged me here, Arisugawa-san, you can just do twice as much work for me." He leaned down further where he sat against the wall, really not enthusiastic about any of this, at all.

"Are you sure, Yamada-kun?" Doppo started to ask. "Busujima-san really is knowledgeable about this kind of thing, so learning from him-"

"_I'm sure_," Saburo affirmed. He put his hood up and sat in the corner and didn't care that it probably made him look like a petulant child. If his phone had any bars he would've called Ichi-nii already and gone home. "I don't care about plants or whatever."

Doppo didn't look as put off by Saburo's hostility as he thought he would've. "That's fine. I'll help, too, Busujima-san, i-if that's okay."

The three adults all disappeared behind the curtain in the corner of the room, and Saburo settled in and tried to find a game on his phone that didn't need an internet connection. Even if the shack wasn't _comfortable_, per se, it was warm and now it was pretty quiet, too, barring the sounds of chopping, washing, and occasional conversation from the other room. He could see why some people liked camping. Not that _he'd _ever want to do this again.

Riou went back and forth between the kitchen and outside, moving around meat and supplies. He largely ignored Saburo, until-

"Here," Riou said.

Saburo looked up from his phone and saw Riou holding out a deer foot at him. He couldn't hide the mixture of horror and bewilderment on his face. "_Wh-what the hell!?_" he shouted.

"To pass your tests," he said, like that meant _anything at all_.

Saburo had no idea how to respond. He was _not_ going to touch the hoof that he was apparently being offered.

Thankfully, Doppo took that moment to join them in the room. "U-um, Busujima-san, I believe it's serow hoovesthat give luck on tests, not deer. A-and I don't think it's their actual feet. Just charms."

"Oh." Riou left.

Doppo watched him go, almost smiling, but then turned back down to Saburo. He leaned down in front of him, holding two small bowls of liquid and a spoon. "So, Busujima-san left it to Arisugawa-kun and me to make the broth. O-of course, we can't agree which type to do. So, which do you think is better, Yamada-kun?"

Saburo tasted them both and decided on one (which was _vastly_ superior, it wasn't even a question). Doppo nodded and started to move back to the kitchen, but before he could disappear again, Saburo asked, "whose was that one?"

"Ah, that one was my choice."

"Is Arisugawa-san's taste actually that bad, or was he just arguing with you to mess with you?"

"Hm, well," Doppo hesitated, "it's rude to think that of people, don't you think?"

He went back behind the curtain.

Saburo returned to his phone game. Minesweeper was _so_ boring. Was this how people spent time in, like, the olden days?

Eventually, they finished preparations and brought out a pot of broth, placing it over the makeshift stove in the center of the room. It was cramped with all four of them around the fire. They started loading it up with ingredients. Saburo recognized some of it - the venison was obvious, and much more palatable now that it was down to just meat and looked like something people actually ate. A brown vegetable that was _probably_ burdock was in there. The white things were hopefully onion. The rest looked more like weeds than anything edible. They probably were weeds. He said as much.

"Many types of weeds are nutritious," Riou said, handing him chopsticks and a bowl with some sort of condiment that he couldn't identify.

Dice and Doppo had sat down on either side of him with their own bowls, and were already reaching out to grab some of the more quickly-cooked ingredients.

"Whatever," Saburo sighed. When he reached into the pot, he picked around the mysterious green bits.

Laughing, Dice pointed out his habit. "Just getting your favorites? Good plan. Though in this case, they all pretty much taste the same."

Riou huffed. "Don't be picky, lad. You need to eat a diverse diet to grow up properly."

Doppo tried to say something, but Saburo cut him off, continuing to argue. "I'm already as tall as Kannonzaka-san, so I really don't think growing is a problem. Try again."

"You should show some more respect for your elders." Riou was on _that_ again, was he?

"Busujima-san, I don't think-"

Doppo stopped when Saburo started grumbling, "I'll show respect for my elders when they stop being weirdos." He said it even knowing that it was probably dangerous to argue with the guy, but he was in a terrible mood and couldn't help but vocalize it.

Riou was actually mad now. Saburo immediately regretted what he said. Riou was usually collected, but the disrespect had set him off; his voice was louder, echoing off the metal walls in the tiny room, "you know, if it weren't for your older brothers-" and, oh, Saburo realized right then that he might've actually been scared instead of just in a bad mood, because he was shaking and he didn't hear the rest of what Riou said.

"W-what _ever_," he hissed, not knowing how to deal with the situation other than to try to dismiss it.

Riou boomed, "that's _it,_ you _disrespectful-_"

Riou didn't get to finish, because Doppo suddenly shouted, "cut it the hell out, Riou! L-lay off the damn kid! So what if he's picky, or disrespectful? He's a fucking _middle schooler,_ and he's clearly having a terrible time! Just leave him be!"

They all sat briefly in stunned silence. Including Doppo.

His face suddenly contorted, shifting in an instant from anger to horror at what he'd just done. "I-I'm so, so sorry for my outburst. Please excuse my disrespect, Busujima-san. I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry, sorry, I'm _so_ sorry, I really just didn't, I didn't..." He breathed in and managed to stop himself, which was unusual. He put his hand near Saburo, but didn't touch him. "...Yamada-kun, do you want me to take you home?"

He thought about it for a minute. He almost took him up on the offer. But… he was calming down, now. "That's alright."

"Okay. If you change your mind, please let me know." Doppo went back to eating, but the others weren't quite there yet.

Riou audibly took a deep breath, in and out. "I'm sorry, Yamada-kun. Please eat how you prefer to."

"Um, it's okay," Saburo said, even though it wasn't, really. He noticed Doppo was already grabbing some of the thinly sliced meat, so he followed. Riou did, too.

Dice was, amazingly, the last one to get back to eating. "I guess Doppo-san can be kinda cool when he wants to, huh?" he said as he reached for a piece of venison that definitely wasn't cooked all the way though yet.

Doppo flushed at the praise and lowered his head, mumbling "n-not really." If Saburo hadn't seen it himself, he never would've thought Doppo had it in him to tell Riou off like that.

Saburo continued eating, gradually figuring out that Dice had been right, and all the greens really did just taste like the broth they'd soaked in, and he probably shouldn't have been so picky in the first place. Hm.

The four of them readily finished up the hot pot, with just a bit of broth left behind. Dice bothered Riou about dessert, but he managed to fall asleep on the floor before anything could get made. Saburo was thankful for that - he was totally stuffed, and really, really tired. He took the opportunity to ask Doppo to take him home.

Doppo apologized profusely on Dice's behalf, insisting that "he never does this" and then "he's really only like this sometimes" and then "it's just when there's a lot of meat" and then "well, maybe he's made a habit of it, but please don't judge him too harshly for not being able to see you off himself, anyways."

They walked back through the forest, sun just starting to go below the horizon, making it tricky to see the ground under the brush. Luckily, Doppo seemed to know a route that had far fewer traps. Doppo's guidance was a far cry from the way Dice had pulled and yanked Saburo along that afternoon.

"Thanks for earlier," Saburo said.

Doppo brushed it off. "I-it was nothing. Busujima-san wasn't thinking. And Arisugawa-kun shouldn't have brought you here in the first place. I'm sorry for not taking you home as soon as you showed up."

"It's okay. The hot pot was pretty good. And I don't think Arisugawa-san even knows what the word consequences means."

Doppo snickered before stopping himself and apologizing. To who?

When they arrived back in Ikebukuro, it was shortly after dark. Ichiro greeted them, coolly stating that he'd just been starting to worry (though Jiro behind him shaking his head at that suggested a somewhat different story). Doppo explained the situation and apologized repeatedly. Since Saburo was okay, though, Ichiro just thanked him, and asked Saburo, "was the meal any good, at least? I've heard Riou-san's food is killer, in the literal sense."

"Huh?" Saburo gave a quizzical look. "It was a pretty normal hot pot."

"Well," Doppo said, "the broth _was _made with stink bugs."

"_Stink bugs?_"


End file.
